To be a writer means to be egocentric, to lock yourself in a room – or if that's not possible, in your mind – and concentrate on yourself. On your thoughts. On the prose pouring out of your fingers. You have a single-minded focus on getting that story down before it takes over your mind.
To be a mother means to be selfless, especially when your child is simply unable to function until you help seatbelt that Polly Pocket in the car. Your thoughts have to be on the welfare of your child, if she's fed, if she's staying hydrated, if her panties are wet once again. To be a mother means your time and love is at the mercy of your child.
I have to admit, I'm having a tough time reconciling the two. My child is five months shy of 3, and while she has skirted around the "terrible twos" for the most part, she is still a needy, clingy being whose favorite phrase is (and said in a cute, whiny voice), "Mommy, help!" She is no longer merely content to sit in front of the television all day, to learn her values and morals from Dora and Diego. The greedy girl actually wants to play. The audacity!
And the writer in me says, Child, just please sit down with your hands folded in your lap and let me write! But the mother in me gets up and plays, making Barbie and Ken hug repeatedly, catching that fairy ball inelegantly for maximum toddler enjoyment.
The writer in me wants to install a mute and pause button on my child, while the mother in me wants to sit and read with her all day.
Can you see my dilemma?
Yes, the nights are good. I look forward to – nay, actually relish – the moment of the day when we kiss her goodnight and lay her in bed and close that door and heave a sigh of relief. But those times, I turn into the Housekeeper, the Wife, the Reader, the Workout Fiend, and sometimes, the Writer. Sometimes the priorities change, but the dilemma remains the same: there's never enough time in the day.
This post was brought to you during the blissful, and rather infrequent, time of nap.
And there, with the grace of God, go I.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, I envy the socks off you.
xoxo
*MEGA HUGS TO YOU*
ReplyDeleteI know I sound like I'm complaining, and maybe today I am, but I have counted my blessings. It's just really hard to find time in the day to everything I want! lol.
Remember my child, you are a mother first above all else. You made that commitment way before she was conceived. Remember what I told you, when you become a mother, you don't own yourself and your heart anymore - you lose yourself forever. Time spent with your child is more precious than anything else in this world. Before you know it, time has passed, she will be on her own, all you have left is memories . . .I love you both, will never trade my memories of you and Lia for anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm a mother first, of course. I'm just trying to reclaim some of my identity too.
ReplyDeleteI love seeing the kids first thing in the morning and I equally love bedtime! A little secret- naptime is enforced daily, no matter what age! And they absolutely know it's for my sanity's sake.
ReplyDeleteI like the mornings too, when she greets me with a "morning!" and a kiss.
ReplyDeleteI agree; it's difficult balancing the internal world of writing with the external world of practical circumstances and responsibilities.
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